Sometimes, it seems like synchronicity is just the universe’s unique way of mocking the human condition. Unexplainable coincidences serve to inexplicably point out the folly of our being, and this kind of ironic happenstance often yields serious humor at the subject’s expense. Now, thanks to the power of projectile pigeon poop, the comedic existential theater of mankind have never been more evident. Here’s how the cosmic joke went down:
A Trip to “Pigeon Poop Station”
The extraordinary excremental experience started innocently enough. During a live television broadcast, State Representative Jaime Andrade attempted to direct media attention towards a looming infrastructure crisis best summed up by the locals as “Pigeon Poop Station.” While visiting Chicago Transit Authority’s Blue Line Station at Irving Park, the Democrat got his point across in a more literal fashion than he initially anticipated.
Actions Dump Louder Than Words
No matter how much passion the professional orator mustered, nothing could have demonstrated the problem more clearly than real-time visual aid. Thanks to one bird’s catastrophic cloacal cannon, he got a doozy of a graphics device. Yes, this Chicago Democrat got decked by a dookie while the documentarians were broadcasting. The perfectly timed defecatory dive-bomb ultimately delivered a viral hit. It truly was the perfect moment for a wayward wallop from some feathery foe’s freaky flying feces. Without missing a beat, the freshly splattered politician uttered, “That’s what happens to my constituents. They get shit on all the time!”
The Truth is Sticky and Hairy
It didn’t take very long on the scene for the issue to illustrate itself uncannily. The impact occurs so swiftly that the reporter doesn’t even notice. Andrade has to stop the interview to nervously feel around the top of his head. Indeed, within moments, the camera was capturing undeniable proof of the guano gunk that was gracing his stupefied scalp. After years of trying and failing to raise awareness, the politician’s pigeon opposition did what he never could. To make matters even more humiliating, the flying rat accomplished this feat in less than a single second. Still, the important thing is that everyone is finally recognizing the excrement epidemic of Irving Park. Andrade got what he wanted, and it only cost him his dignity and possibly his political career. It’s hard to imagine any official staying if office after being branded as the pigeon poop politician.
Fecal Matter Matters: Poop vs. Politics
It takes a special kind of talent to keep the spin machine running while freshly plastered in pigeon plop, so Andrade was pertinaciously presidential in the end. Perhaps it took the dung drenching that was heard around the world to spur real action. Nothing puts partisan politics to the wayside like getting pummeled with a bird’s backside bounty. Hopefully, only passengers are getting dropped off at Blue Line Station from now on.